Fuente NHS - What is an orgasm?

The Process of Sexual Response

Any sexual activity involves some or all of five different stages: sexual desire, arousal, the plateau phase, orgasm and resolution. None of these stages are superior to others, and all should be pleasurable. For each of them, the stage proceeding is vital to moving on to the next one. We can't skip around through them, they follow on a continuum, just like we have to learn to stand up before we can walk, but often enough, we can toggle back and forth between them once we start from a place of desire.

Desire, in a sexual context, is simply the wish or want to participate in any sexual activity. Desire for sexual activity is exactly like being hungry in order to eat: if you aren't hungry, eating doesn't feel good. It's a matter of having a sexual appetite at a given time. If you don't have a feeling of sexual desire, sex isn't going to feel good. We achieve desire any number of ways, but it is generally not primarily physical, but instead sensory -- based in all or any of our senses of sight, sound, smell, touch, taste - emotional and intellectual.

We must experience desire to feel sexually aroused. People sometimes describe sexual desire as being "hungry" or "horny." We may feel sexual desire towards a particular person, or we may feel it simply in and of itself, a kind of free-floating feeling of wanting to be sexual.

Arousal is a state of sexual excitement that sends messages to your brain which create physical changes and sensations in your body, readying us for sex of any kind. When we're aroused, our blood pressure rises, our heartbeat and breathing quicken, and our body becomes more sensitive and receptive to touch. We can be aroused by physical stimulus as well as by intellectual, emotional or hormonal stimulus. We can be aroused by all of these things, or only some of them, or even just one of them at any given time, with or without physical stimulation. For instance, we might become aroused by being kissed or touched, but we may also become aroused simply by the sound of someone's voice, our own thoughts or our creative imagination.

It's important to note that we don't all experience the same things as seeming sexual. We're also not all aroused by the same things. What seems sexy or arousing to any one of us differs from person to person based on our individual personalities, our life experience, our particular body sensitivities, and what we were raised to interpret as sexually or sensually exciting.

But when we are aroused, we all have some fairly similar bodily responses. One of the primary physical responses to arousal is called vasocongestion, which means the increased flow of of blood to the genital tissues (and/or breasts and nipples), and the condition of those tissues becoming swollen with blood. This is how a man's penis becomes erect. In women the clitoris and inner labia become puffy, stiffer, and somewhat enlarged, and at the same time, the vagina produces a slippery lubrication. As arousal continues in women, the uppermost third of the vaginal canal also expands a bit, which can result in an emptier or larger feeling inside the vagina.

If we continue to be sexually excited, and continue sexual stimulus of some kind that feels good, our arousal may then progress to a plateau phase, where sexual stimulation continues and we are kind of hanging out, being aroused and excited in our bodies and minds. Many people experience this phase as a feeling of being "on the edge." Our bodies will feel increasingly sensitive, we may get flushed, or feel our heartbeat more strongly.

Orgasm is a brief -- even when it feels like longer, it usually only goes on for a handful of seconds --peak of sexual excitement which begins during and follows the plateau phase. Male orgasm involves involuntary contractions of the prostate gland, vas deferens and seminal vesicles which usually (but not always!) cause the ejaculation of semen. Women experience a series of involuntary muscle contractions around the vagina that may or may not produce an ejaculate or vaginal secretion. In both men and women, throughout the whole body there is an increase in muscle tension and relaxation, especially around the pelvis, and in both men and women, orgasm also creates chemical changes in the body in terms of inducing hormones like oxytocin and endoprhins.

It's tough to describe what an orgasm feels like. Not only does it differ from person to person, one person can experience any number of different sorts of orgasms that vary with every sexual experience. Orgasm can feel like a tickle or a hiccup, but can also feel like a very heavy head rush or wave of dizziness through the whole body. Overall, having an orgasm is a bit like being a balloon: your body fills up with pressure, then releases that pressure when it gets to its fullest point, much like a balloon does when it pops.

The last stage, called the resolution stage, is a relaxation of the muscles as well as a psychological relaxation and sense of wellness which occurs following orgasm. All the blood that has been pooling in the genitals and other sensitive body parts will drain out slowly, causing men to lose their erections and women's genitals to return to their normal state. The resolution stage can also happen without orgasm: if we simply stop being sexually aroused, our bodies will gradually return themselves to their normal, everyday, non-aroused state. It is perfectly okay for this to happen, and it cannot hurt you in any way.

The Miracle of Masturbation

Now that you understand those stages, try and apply them to yourself. Can you recognize feeling all of those things? Think about what sorts of things make you feel desire, and what sorts of things arouse you, strictly in your mind, from verbal, visual or psychological cues. What sorts of touching do you like? What parts of your body feel sexually good when you or someone else touch them? Knowing when you feel desire and arousal is really important when it comes to your sexuality. It can help you to be aware of when you are interested in sex, help to make clear when you should be having sex with a partner and when you should NOT be having sex with a partner. It can also help make you feel more in control of your own body and sexuality.

We do ourselves a disservice when we think our sexuality starts the first time we engage in sexual activity with a partner. Our sexuality really starts from the day we are born, in many different ways. Our first sexual experiences not only usually are, but really SHOULD be the ones we have all by ourselves. The best way -- as well as the safest both physically and emotionally -- to start exploring and understanding your sexuality is with your own two hands. No one else can do it for you. While most people say abstinence is the only safe sex, around here we say that masturbation is the only safe sex, since abstinence is NOT having sex. Masturbation is sex you have with yourself, and it is sex.

Betty Dodson, Ph.D., the author of the phenomenal book on masturbation called Sex for One, says that, "I used to say masturbation leads to sex, but now I know masturbation IS sex. The next time someone asks 'When was the first time you had sex?' the appropriate response would be your first memory of masturbation, not the first time you had [sex with a partner]."

Not only is masturbation a safe and perfectly healthy thing to do, it is the very best way to get some concrete ideas about what you do and do not like when it comes to sex, and it's important if you want to work on enjoying sexual pleasure and on achieving orgasm. It also gives us a chance to figure out a lot of important things about how we feel about sex, sexual pleasure, and being sexual people.

Even people who already understand how the body works when it comes to sex can have problems with enjoying sex and achieving orgasm. More times than not, it isn't about what they're doing wrong physically, but about how they feel inside and how those feelings come into play during sex. If we feel that sex is dirty, wrong, sinful or unhealthy, it is going to be nearly impossible to enjoy ourselves and experience pleasure when we're wracked with guilt. Masturbating is a wonderful, no-risk way to figure out how you feel most comfortable and healthy being sexual and feeling sexual pleasure.

By virtue of the way our minds and bodies are, we are sexual beings. How we choose to BE sexual beings is completely up to us. Start by making yourself comfortable. Find out what puts you in a space where you can relax both your mind and your body. It's important that you are in a physical place where you can BE comfortable. It's very difficult to feel relaxed and free to be sexual if we think someone may walk in on us. You need privacy. Seek it out. Allow yourself to have whatever sexual fantasies you like. Again, you don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings: it's all in your head, and no one is having sex right now but you. Sexual fantasy is a big part of arousal, and because it's just in our heads, and not in our actions, all sexual fantasy is okay, as long as you're okay with it. Observe what happens when you have feelings of sexual desire, and what happens as you get aroused.

Once you're there, in body and mind, as they say with the yellow pages, let your fingers do the walking. Because you're the only one involved, you can do whatever feels good and you feel comfortable with: don't pout any pressure on yourself where there need be none. People often ask what the "right" way is to masturbate, but the truth is that the only "right" things to do are the things that feel good to you. When it comes to genitals, most men enjoy stimulating their penis and testicles with their hands by rubbing or stroking them slowly and working up to a quicker pace. Most women enjoy rubbing or stroking the clitoris and other areas of the vulva with the hands and fingers, with running water from a water source like the shower or faucet, or with a vibrator. You can use saliva on your fingers as a lubricant when you masturbate, or you can use your own sexual fluids or a water-based personal lubricant. Lubrication can help things feel better to you. Remember that not everyone wants genital stimulation every time or even at all. You can have plenty of sexual pleasure and even orgasm without necessarily stimulating the genitals. Again, do what feels good to you.

Masturbation may or may not bring us to orgasm, and we may not even want it to. It depends on what we want. Sometimes, it feels good just to get aroused and then stop, and there is nothing bad for you about any kind of sex without orgasm. If you want to experience sexual pleasure without orgasm, but feel an uncomfortable pressure in your body afterwards, that can be relieved by some simple exercise or rest, or even with a couple of aspirin or ibuprofen. That pressure feeling, which can sometimes feel achy or throbbing, is the same phenomenon that happens when you have a headache: there is lots of blood trying to get through tiny blood vessels, and it can be uncomfortable unless you can help dilate (open wider) those blood vessels so the blood can flow. Relaxation, physical exercise, or plain old over-the-counter headache remedies can help.

On the other hand, if you want to achieve orgasm, just keep doing what feels good. You'll find that certain ways of touching yourself will trigger more excitement than others. Follow those cues, and just keep doing what works for you. The more you masturbate, the more you'll get to understand what arouses you and what triggers orgasm for you.

Understand that we can't always orgasm when we want to. Our bodies are complex systems in which our genitals don't work independently. If we're sick or stressed out, tired, preoccupied, or feel guilty shameful or upset, it's hard to feel sexual pleasure, let alone orgasm. Cut yourself a break when that happens. Go do something else you enjoy. Honor what your body is trying to tell you it needs. Just like it's not a good idea to eat when you aren't hungry, it's not a good idea to have any sort of sex when you're not interested or when your body isn't up to it. The beauty of sexuality is that it is with you your whole life: you can't miss out on anything. You have your whole life to enjoy it.

On this note, we want to add that masturbation is an excellent tool when it comes to finding control and balance with our sexuality. Sometimes, when they're feeling sexual or sexually aroused, people will say that they just HAVE to go "get laid" or "get some." When we feel like that -- towards no one in particular, but simply feel a high level of desire within ourselves -- it's better to masturbate than to have sex with a partner, where sex should be about MUTUAL needs and about wanting to be with someone else. Masturbation can help us in that way to be in charge of our own sexuality, without pressuring others to get involved. No one else needs for us to feel sexually satisfied -- when we feel like we need to have sex, we're the ones who need something, not someone else. Also, no one is responsible for our sexual pleasure but ourselves.

Masturbation also is a good tool to have on hand if you are abstaining from sexual intercourse for any reason. It is a good way to give yourself an outlet that can't hurt anyone, a way to help keep your impulses in check so you don't find yourself doing something you don't really want to do or aren't ready for.

Over all, masturbation is an excellent way to realize that sex is not just penis-in-vagina intercourse, and sex is not just what you do with a partner. Knowing that you can control your sexual pleasure with masturbation is something that can transform anyone's experience of sex into something that is always positive, pleasurable and never limited. Ultimately, what sex is is loving and pleasuring ourselves, and when we engage a partner, sharing that pleasure and care with others.

Taking it On The Road: Sex With a Partner

So, if you understand how sexual response works in general and for yourself, and have a good handle on what pleases you and makes you feel good, you've got a great start in bringing that to a partnership, if that is something you are interested in doing. It should go without saying that because sex is a multifaceted thing which is mainly based in ourselves, no one HAS to have a partner to be sexually satisfied, and some people don't want a partner, either for certain periods of time, or permanently. However, we may want one, or may have a partnership in which sex evolves as a natural part of expressing love and attraction for our partner.

Silly as it may sound, the best analogy I can make to having sex with a partner is that it is nearly identical to learning to dance with a partner. When we dance alone, we feel the rhythm on the music in our bodies, and move as feels natural. But if we add a partner, sometimes the way we move doesn't always mesh with how THEY move, and we can both end up with a lot of bruises and sore toes.

If we know how we "move" in our own sexuality, it's easier to work with someone else. The way that we can make our different styles, movements, desires and preferences work together is by communication and by simply paying attention and being respectful of one another. If we use masturbation when we feel nonspecific desire, and are with a partner because we want to be with that particular person and share our energy and care with them, we've got a great head start.

A good way to handle the start of any sexual relationship is to talk about it. Discuss your limits. Are there things you like and don't like? Are there things you are and are not comfortable doing? Get all of that stuff out in the open. It's hard to respect someone's boundaries if you don't know what they are. That doesn't mean you need to know them all walking in, however. Often, only once we are with someone do we get a sense of what is okay and what isn't, but if we've already developed a relationship where we can talk about sex freely, it's pretty easy to pull back the reins and say, "Whoa!" when we need to without anyone getting upset. Sometimes talking about sex with someone else can be a little awkward, but it's okay to be nervous or get the giggles.

Working out sex with a partner is surprisingly similar to working it out with yourself: the only real difference is that you need to talk out loud and you need to take someone else's feelings, desires and needs into consideration and make them work with your own. Just like with masturbation, you need to make sure you both feel -- and really ARE -- safe and secure. If you're avoiding pregnancy, you need to be using a reliable birth control method that works for you both. You also need to be practicing safer sex to keep you both safe and healthy, you need to be consistently taking care of your sexual health with regular clinic or OB/GYN visits.

Being physically safe has a lot to do with feeling emotionally safe. Just as important is that you both feel emotionally safe together on others levels. Can you trust each other to respect limits and boundaries? To think of the both of you, not just yourselves? To listen and ask questions to find out what feels good and what doesn't? All of those things are important, and you should establish them all long before you get sexually involved.

Again, think of it just like learning to dance. Do what feels good to you both, where you can both enjoy yourselves. Talk about the steps that you like. If your partner doesn't know one of them, teach him or her how! You may find you learn things with a partner you didn't on your own, or that some things feel different than they do when you do them by yourself, and that's the beauty of sex with a partner. There's no shame in having something be new or unknown. We all have to learn, and learning can be enjoyable. In fact, if you've got it all going, every single time you have sex -- no matter what you do or do not do -- with yourself, or with someone else, should be a new and wonderful experience.

Sexual Response Q&A

What is multiple orgasm, and can only women experience it?
Multiple orgasm is when someone has more than one orgasm in one sex session -- as in, you and yours go to bed for the afternoon, you do this sex activity, then maybe another a half hour later, have two orgasms, that's a multiple. OR, in the process of one given sexual activity, a person has more than one orgasm. So, if you have an orgasm, and you then either take a little break and stimulate yourself again, or keep going with your stimulation and have another, you have experienced multiple orgasm.

It isn't unique to women, though it is more common for women to be multiply orgasmic, both due to the lack of a refractory period which men need, and/or because the type of sex many men have is solely or mostly just about stumulus to the penis only.

How come I can't orgasm when my boyfriend and I are having intercourse? What is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you at all. At least half of ALL women (and that is a very conservative estimate) do not usually (or sometimes ever) experience a sexual climax from penis-in-vagina intercourse alone.

As was said before, intercourse is not sex, but can be part of sex. In order to enjoy sex and experience full arousal, plateau and climax, you need to stimulate more than just your vaginal canal. Perhaps you and your boyfriend aren't giving you enough other stimulation before or during intercourse. Perhaps you just aren't in the mood: maybe you're crabby, ill, just really want to be alone, or you and your body just aren't in good touch with each other that day. Take stock of what you are and are not doing when you don't climax or enjoy intercourse, and compare it to the things that DO please you, then incorporate them into your sexual intercourse.

Why didn't my boyfriend orgasm from oral sex?
No single sexual act can guarantee intercourse for everyone, nor can something which brings us to orgasm on one day necessarily bring us to orgasm the next. Talk to your boyfriend: ask him how he's feeling, what he enjoys, and what feels good to him, and think beyond orgasm. Again, sex isn't about orgasm. Sometimes, when we try and practice sex with orgasm as a goal -- rather than pleasure -- we make orgasm harder to achieve rather than easier.

How can I make my partner orgasm?
You can't. But your partner can help you to do the things that often bring him or her to orgasm by showing you or talking about what things they enjoy, how they like to be touched, and so forth. The best thing to do if you want to please your partner is to focus on their pleasure, not an impending orgasm. If everyone is feeling good, it's much less of a big deal whether they orgasm or not.

Do women ejaculate?
Some do, sometimes.

During arousal and orgasm, the vagina produces more vaginal fluid and lubrication. This is the most common kind of sexual fluid that women produce. But this is not considered an actual ejaculation.

Some women find that sexual stimulus for them results in a thin, watery, whitish fluid from the urethra, the same place from which males ejaculate. That IS considered to be an ejaculation.

Not all women ejaculate (and not all who do orgasm right with ejaculation, either), even with targeted (usually via fingers or toys, but sometimes with intercourse or other activities) G-spot stimulation, which is how it occurs for many. Not all women who are capable of having this kind of orgasm have it all the time. The amount of fluid that is ejaculated can vary greatly from person to person, as well, when these kinds of orgasms happen in women.

Is it bad for you to get sexually aroused and not orgasm? Is it bad for people to abstain form sex or be celibate their whole lives, or even for a little while?
No and no. Sometimes getting highly sexually aroused, especially if you have been stimulating your genitals can be uncomfortable, a little or a lot. This is because the blood that rushes to the genitals when you are aroused and sexually stimulated gets trapped as your blood vessels constrict (get smaller), and then it is difficult and time-consuming for the blood to drain back out, a process which orgasm accelerates. It's extremely similar to the process that causes tension headaches. If this happens and you find it uncomfortable, you can either try and masturbate and have an orgasm, or, as we mentioned before, take a walk, a nap, or a few ibuprofen or aspirin tablets. In men, sometimes people call this sexual congestion "blue balls," but it isn't harmful. For some men who find it highly uncomfortable, using an ice pack in addition can be a great relief. But it isn't bad for you, and can't do any permanent damage.

The same goes for sex of any sort. Even if we don't masturbate (and most people do), we won't get sick or unhealthy, and our bodies don't store up sperm or sexual fluids. Our bodies constantly replace dead cells of all types, including blood, sperm, vaginal fluids, and most other kinds of cells we have to keep the level of functional cells constant. You don't need to masturbate in order to get rid of "excess" semen or sperm any more than you need to bleed out excess blood, because there is no such thing.

What's bad for you is to have sex when you don't want to, or to try and force your body to orgasm when it just isn't in the right state. Needless to say, it is also exceptionally unhealthy to try and force or pressure a partner into sexual activities by saying we'll get sick or feel bad if they don't participate in them with us. Our bodies don't really know the difference between a hand and a vagina, a finger or two and a penis -- only our minds do. If we're feeling sexually pent up, we can and should relieve that on our own through masturbation when our partners don't want to participate.

Is sex better when both partners orgasm at the same time?
Not necessarily, and in fact, most sex therapists advise couples against aiming for simultaneous orgasm.

Trying to have sex like synchronized swimming isn't such a great idea because it makes it harder for both people to focus on simply enjoying themselves, therefore making any orgasm at all more difficult, let alone doing it at the same time. When it happens on it's own, it's pretty neat, and is a very nice moment, but it's more likely to happen naturally than to be forced. More times than not, when people try and force it, one or both partners ends up faking an orgasm, which sets a bad sexual pattern, and isn't any fun for anyone. Plus, a lot of sexual partners find that they prefer to take turns with orgasm, anyway -- one partner doing things to bring the other to orgasm, then vice-versa.

What if I just CAN'T orgasm?
Then you just can't right now, and that's totally okay. Again, sex isn't about orgasm, it's about pleasure, and it's hard to experience pleasure when you're trying to get past the finish line with little care for running the race. You know how people say "It isn't if you win or lose, it's how you play the game?" Same holds true for sex: it's a process, not a product.

First, make sure that you're getting involved in sexual activities when your mind and body really want to. You can't skip all of the stages of sexual response to get to the end. If you aren't desiring sex, or aren't getting aroused -- for whatever reason -- you cannot orgasm. Maybe you aren't in the mood. Maybe you're tired, or maybe you've overstimulated your body. If you're having trouble with a partner, maybe you're not communicating what you need, or maybe there is some stress in the relationship that has you preoccupied.

Remember that sex isn't about getting points or prestige, or about being "mature" or impressing anyone. You can't do it "wrong" if you're respecting yourself and others, practicing it safely and sanely, and you and your partner (if you have one) are enjoying one another. No one is a "sex master," and thank goodness, or else sex wouldn't be very exciting or enriching. Sex is a normal and natural part of life, and like the rest of our lives, is something that is always growing and changing alongside us as we grow and change. We get to know our sexual selves the same way we get to know all of the other aspects of ourselves, and that isn't something we can or should rush -- it's what we've got our whole life to do.